I need change
Yeah, that's kinda easy to say, right?
But difficult to do when I feel like I hate life
And everyone around me kinda thinks I'm a great guy
But I don't ever think it so I think I'm a fake liar
- NF, Change
Near the tail end of last year I asked a colleague of mine, "Do you ever feel like you're not really, you? That the way that you interact in different environments is a persona, or maybe even an archetype that you're being forced to act because of the context you're in at the time?"
Yes, our casual banter is odd. Let's move on.
In so many aspects of my teaching life I feel like I am acting out a persona, that the real me is hidden somewhere behind the many masks of myself that I wear.
To my students I need to be professional, yet fun, yet a disciplinarian. I quickly realised early on in my career that you honestly can't just be the 'fun teacher', because students will walk all over you. There has to be a level of respect and discipline that you both earn and instill prior to attempting more 'fun' activities.
To my colleagues, including those I lead, I need a particular level of insight, organisation, maturity, and deep knowledge of pedagogy to fulfill my role. I'm also the IT guy, mostly because I'm relatively young, can touch type, and know how to restart a computer if it isn't working.
To parents, I'm in senior management and the conversations that I have represent the position of the College. Little do they know I'm mostly bluffing, honest to a fault, and get incredibly anxious about any level of personal or professional confrontation.
I don't really understand how I've been promoted to the position that I'm in. Sure, I've worked hard. But part of me thinks that in a meeting a participant will leap to his feet shouting, "It's him! He's been acting and lying to us all along!". Then everyone will point and laugh as they rip off my cloak and mask.
However, there's a little voice that speaks to me in these times of unease, questioning, and doubt. That voice encourages me to be kind to myself, to understand that I wouldn't have been promoted if something within me or my work hadn't been noticed. That I wouldn't be getting approval for projects or initiatives, if I hadn't communicated them with some level of competency and vision.
This all boils down to the question of identity. Who do I view myself as, and what is it that informs my sense of self? And that, dear readers, is a topic for another day.
Yes, our casual banter is odd. Let's move on.
In so many aspects of my teaching life I feel like I am acting out a persona, that the real me is hidden somewhere behind the many masks of myself that I wear.
To my students I need to be professional, yet fun, yet a disciplinarian. I quickly realised early on in my career that you honestly can't just be the 'fun teacher', because students will walk all over you. There has to be a level of respect and discipline that you both earn and instill prior to attempting more 'fun' activities.
To my colleagues, including those I lead, I need a particular level of insight, organisation, maturity, and deep knowledge of pedagogy to fulfill my role. I'm also the IT guy, mostly because I'm relatively young, can touch type, and know how to restart a computer if it isn't working.
To parents, I'm in senior management and the conversations that I have represent the position of the College. Little do they know I'm mostly bluffing, honest to a fault, and get incredibly anxious about any level of personal or professional confrontation.
I don't really understand how I've been promoted to the position that I'm in. Sure, I've worked hard. But part of me thinks that in a meeting a participant will leap to his feet shouting, "It's him! He's been acting and lying to us all along!". Then everyone will point and laugh as they rip off my cloak and mask.
However, there's a little voice that speaks to me in these times of unease, questioning, and doubt. That voice encourages me to be kind to myself, to understand that I wouldn't have been promoted if something within me or my work hadn't been noticed. That I wouldn't be getting approval for projects or initiatives, if I hadn't communicated them with some level of competency and vision.
This all boils down to the question of identity. Who do I view myself as, and what is it that informs my sense of self? And that, dear readers, is a topic for another day.